How to overcome perfectionism 4 secrets from research

How to overcome perfectionism 4 secrets from researchHow to overcome perfectionism 4 secrets from researchWe all know someone who needs everything to be just right. Someone who spends way too long on even simple tasks often driving themselves and others crazy in the process.Whether its with work, with chores or in relationships, many of us have an area of life where were total perfectionists. And while the thing were focused on gets better because of our high standards, oftentimes a lot of other things suffer. And sometimes the thing that suffers is us.When perfectionism shows up, it often brings its close friends depression, anxiety and anger.FromWhen Perfect Isnt Good Enough Strategies for Coping with PerfectionismPeople with high levels of perfectionism (parteicularly self-oriented perfectionism and socially prescribed perfectionism) are at a greater risk of experiencing depression than nonperfectionists, especially during periods of stress (for example, at school, work, and in t heir relationships) and after experiencing failure (Hewitt and Flett 1990 1993).Oh, one other little thing - it can alsokill youAfter baseline assessment of health and personality traits as predictors of mortality, 450 participants were followed over a period of 6.5 years. Consistent with our hypotheses, findings demonstrated that risk of death welches significantly greater for high scorers in perfectionism and neuroticism, compared to low scorers at the time of base line.And while Im sureyourdeath would be three times as efficient as the average persons, perhaps thats something we can agree to procrastinate on, okay? Perfectionism is a problem you can fix.FromWhen Perfect Isnt Good Enough Strategies for Coping with PerfectionismRiley et al. (2007) used strategies to provide ten sessions of treatment designed to help people who suffer with high levels of perfectionism. In this study, the symptoms of 75 percent of the participants were significantly improved following treatment.With some insight fromWhen Perfect Isnt Good Enough Strategies for Coping with PerfectionismandToo Perfect When Being in Control Gets Out of Controlwere going to learn, um how to get better at being worse? Okay, that didnt come out right.Superiority through inferiority ?Anyway, you know what I mean. Lets get to it Whats so wrong with trying to improve?Trying to get better isnt perfectionism any mora than having a single beer is alcoholism. But when youre drinking so much that you get fired from your job, its a problem. And when youre so focused on doing things right that a lot of other things start going wrong, well, bingo.Because, in the end, real perfectionism isnt about having high standards. Its about control. Trying to have an impossible, irrational level of control over a world that is, by and large, uncontrollable.FromToo Perfect When Being in Control Gets Out of ControlAs hard as the best-intentioned, most conscientious person might try, it is impossible to control every aspect of ones existence we are vulnerable. Despite such lip service to these truths, however, somewhere near the center of their inner being, far from their conscious awareness, obsessives are trying to deny this reality. Their subtle but constant efforts to control everything in the world around them (and inside them) are an attempt to do the impossible to guarantee security to assure geldschrank passage through the risks and uncertainties of living. Sometimes these efforts may work for years. Their conscientiousness and thoroughness bring obsessives admiration in their workplace. And the rewards for being responsible, consistent, alert to details, safety-conscious, and well organized are legion. But all this security comes at a price. Many obsessives suffer the endless agony of having to do everything well- an unnecessary imperative that can ruin even the most enjoyable of activities. They struggle daily under the weight of a massive inner rulebook, an overgrown sense of duty, respo nsibility, and fairness.A perfectionistic outlook is no fun. You live in the future, and the present is a high-stakes situation where every mistake has enormous ramifications later. Youre under perpetual threat, constantly scanning for worst-case scenarios, always trying to dodge any potential for error or criticism.And those possessing this toxic level of vigilance often hold others (commonly known as mortals) to the same standards, lacking compassion or flexibility. This alienates such lesser beings and results in a lack of trust in them, leaving you unable todelegate or realistically cooperate.So why dont perfectionists justchange?Because having high standards and working hard reallydoesproduce results. And thats whats so insidious about the problem. Being conscientious and thorough are praised, workaholism is among the most acceptable of addictions and we often throw around maxims like you can never be too careful. (Spoiler alert actually, you can.)From a study aptly titled, Doi ng better but feeling worseStudents with high maximizing tendencies secured jobs with 20 percent higher starting salaries than did students with low maximizing tendencies. However, maximizers were less satisfied that satisficers with the jobs they obtained, and experienced mora negative affect throughout the job-search process.But when youre rewarded all your life for being thorough, detailed, and producing high quality results, it doesnt merely become a habit - it becomes your identity.FromToo Perfect When Being in Control Gets Out of ControlThe non-perfectionist doesnt need to be right all the time. His security doesnt depend upon having a spotless record or being viewed as the ideal person. But when he does achieve a goal or overcome an obstacle, he feels gratification, fulfillment, even joy. The perfectionist, on the other hand, is apt to experience any given task or interaction as a test that will reflect his adequacy. So its always important for him to do things correctly, kn ow the answer, make the right decision. To perfectionists, being wrong isnt something negligible. Its a threat to the very essence of their self-image So many perfectionists dont think they have a problem - its this world full of slackers producing all the grief. The qualities they are most proud of are often the ones causing their problems. And in their chosen arena perfectionists definitely produce great results What they are consistently blind to are the costs.(To learn mora about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Are you relating to this? Or do you know someone else who might? Alrighty, time to get out the toolbox and learn how to fix whats already perfect 1) Reevaluate your standardsThats a polite way of saying, get confirmation that your expectations are completely out of whack. Plain and simple you need a reality check that includes results and the costs involved.You need to find out what normal standards are. You want to get some accurate infassonation to counter your very unrealistic beliefs and expectations - and prove to yourself just how irrational they are. A common problem perfectionists face is that they never relax their standards and so its impossible for them to see that their level of effort might be total overkill.So if your perfectionism is primarily at work, look at (or ask) what other employees do. How long do they take on a project? How often are they staying late at the office? And are their lower standards getting them fired? Do they still accomplish good work?FromWhen Perfect Isnt Good Enough Strategies for Coping with PerfectionismAre your standards higher than those of other people? Are you able to meet your standards? Are other people able to meet your standards? Do your standards help you to achieve your goals or do they get in the way (for example, by making you overly disappointed or angry when your standards are not met or causing you to get less work done)? What would the costs be of rela xing a particular standard or ignoring a rule? What would the benefits be of relaxing a particular standard or ignoring a rule?Most perfectionists will struggle with this. Of course everything I do is necessary. (Its the equivalent of the alcoholics I can stop whenever I want.)So a good way to come at it is by looking at costs - not merely results. Perfectionists produce good results but they often act like time and driving other people crazy dont matter.Is the extra hour you spend reviewing your work really worth finding that one grammatical error?And think about your own prior experiences with less-than-perfection. Did you ever turn in a report without checking it 300 times?Did you survive? If it didnt work out, were the results as badeanstalt as you thought?So, when all the factors are taken into consideration - time, stress, having a life, not making others fantasize about your demise - are your standards realistic?If this exercise is difficult, get a friend to help you be mo re objective. And do not spend four hours making a spreadsheet to determine which friend would be optimal for the job. Just dont.(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Alright, so youve probably established that your standards are out of control. Other people do not require that their kitchen be more sterile than the average hospital operating roomBut you probably still think the Earth will melt if you change how you do things. So what do you do?Well, if you want to stop being worried there are monsters under the bed, ya gotta look under the bed 2) Use hypothesis testingI prefer the term strategically half-assing it. Try pressing send on that email without proofreading it. Try showing up five minutes late for that meeting. Try buying pants online without reviewing every option available. And then wait So did the Earthactuallymelt?FromWhen Perfect Isnt Good Enough Strategies for Coping with PerfectionismAn excellent way to test the accuracy of your perfectionistic thoughts and predictions is to carry out small experiments, a process also known as hypothesis testing. Carefully designed experiments will provide an opportunity to disprove your perfectionistic beliefs. For example, if you tend to write papers that are too detailed, try leaving out some of the detail and seeing what happens. Regardless of the outcome, you will obtain valuable information. If there is no consequence, you will learn that your beliefs about the importance of including all of the details are not true.Even if the result welches negative, was it as bad as you thought? And how much did you gain in terms of time, effort, and not driving yourself - or others - crazy? Could less actually be more?(To learn 5 secrets from neuroscience that will increase your attention span, clickhere.)It probably wasnt as bad as you expected. But your brain was likely going crazy with worry because, hey, dropping your standard from 99.9999% error-free to 99.9% error -free is a big jump.So how do you deal with those thoughts that shout you should go back to your old extremes of control?3) Challenge your perfectionist thoughtsThat voice in your head starts going, Theyre not doing it right. They should do itcorrectly. And we usually listen to that voice. Which, frankly, can cause a lot of problems because that voice is not divine truth butisoften bad habits shouting from a neurological megaphone.Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - the most scientifically validated form of therapy out there - says we need to identify and rationally challenge our thoughts in order to see why were getting so bothered. Because most of our problems with the world are caused by irrational thoughts.FromWhen Perfect Isnt Good Enough Strategies for Coping with PerfectionismIn general, asking yourself some of the following questions may help you to challenge the perfectionistic thoughts that contribute to your anger Is this situation really as important as it feels? What if th is situation doesnt go my way? Does it really matter? Do I need to control this situation? Is my way the only way to view this situation? Would another person necessarily see this situation the same way as I do? What if things dont work out the way I want them to? Do I know for sure that things will turn out badly if I dont get my way?So notice your perfectionist thoughts, generate some alternative thoughts, compare them, and choose a more realistic way to look at the situation. For instance, lets say your friend is late to pick you upPerfectionistic ThoughtsMy friend should never be late. Clearly this is a nefarious plot to ruin my life and therefore I am perfectly justified in raining down judgment on them and making them feel bad.Alternative ThoughtsIts unrealistic to assume people will never be late. Heck, sometimes Im late. This isnt that important anyway. Its not rational to think this is a nefarious plot because, frankly, people who are often late arent very good at organizin g nefarious plots.Evaluating Perfectionistic Thoughts and Alternative ThoughtsMy alternative thoughts are far more realistic. My perfectionistic thoughts get me wound up and serve no good purpose.Choosing a More Realistic and Helpful PerspectiveThis isnt that bad. And if it becomes a regular issue I can politely mention it to my friend without all the negativity.(To learn the secret to never being frustrated again, clickhere.)Replacing troublesome thoughts will help - but you may still feelreallyuncomfortable in situations where your Inner Optimizer wants to cross every T and dot every I.And that fear of not having control can be powerful, leading to procrastination or altogether avoiding areas where doing things properly feels overwhelming. But theres a way out of this trap Fear is the problem, right? So we treat it the same way we treat phobias 4) Expose yourselfNo, you dont need to take your pants off. (I mean, you can if you want but that might lead to legal problems beyond the scope of this post.)Its often a disappointing fact of life that we can acclimate to anything. The second scoop of ice cream is never better than the first. But in some instances, this is a very, very good thing.Face your fears is a cliche but its also quite true and a core part of CBT. Expose yourself to what makes you uncomfortable frequently enough and it can become just as bland as watching the same movie 300 times.Leave the house a mess for a day. Get dressed without checking the mirror. Or let that person spout inaccurate statistics without correcting them, Eric.FromWhen Perfect Isnt Good Enough Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism after repeated experiences in the feared situation, the person gradually learns that nothing bad is going to happen and eventually comes to see the situation as nonthreatening and safe. In the case of perfectionism, exposure works in part by teaching a person that even if mistakes are made, the consequences are usually not terrible. Even if your performance is not to someone elses liking, the situation is likely to be manageable. The same rule applies when someone elses behavior doesnt meet your high standards. Its bound to happen, and when it does, its unlikely to be the end of the world. Exposure to situations where your standards are unlikely to be met is an excellent way to learn that these situations need not be threatening or that you may benefit from adjusting your standards.If its too stressful to do this in vivo - the psychological term that translates as for realz - you can simulate it in your mind until you can handle direct exposure.And if you dont feel uncomfortable while doing this, youre doing it wrong. Mountain climbers die from exposure, but you wont.Solid results will require some consistent dedicated practice. But youre a perfectionist. Thats your specialty. Am I right or am I right?(To learn 3 secrets from neuroscience that will help you quit bad habits without willpower, clickhere.)Okay, weve learned a lot. (Yes, we could have learnedmore. And done itbetter. But this will just have to do for now.) Lets round it all up, and discover the simple phrase that can help perfectionists improve their relationships Sum upThis is how to overcome perfectionismReevaluate Your StandardsHow do other people do it? Are they still getting acceptable results? Are your exacting standards worth the cost in terms of time, negative emotions and adding new members to the already long list of people who cant stand dealing with your expectations?Use Hypothesis TestingTry relaxing your standards just a bit. Were your worst fears realized? Probably not.Challenge Your Perfectionist ThoughtsAre your underlying beliefs about how things should be done rational and reasonable? And, more importantly, are they useful?Expose YourselfWe all know people learn to tolerate bad behavior if theyre around it enough. This is also true of non-bad behavior that you inaccurately label as bad.Unsurprisingly, perfectionism le ads toless-than-perfect relationshipsPeople high in perfectionism, a hyperbelief in their own correctness and a desire to find a partner with similar traits, are 33 percent less likely to describe their relationship position as satisfying. Flett, Hewitt, Shapiro, and Rayman 2002So whats that magic phrase that helps perfectionists have better relationships?Learn to say I dont know. Another good one is I was wrong. No qualifications, no excuses, no rationalizations.Be fallible. Be human. Be vulnerable.We mightrespectpeople because theyre competent, but we dontlovepeople because theyre competent.FromToo Perfect When Being in Control Gets Out of ControlPart of the Perfectionists Credo is the notion that other people wont like you as well if you make a mistake, or you dont know things, or you allow your faults to show through. In fact, the opposite is true. Your need to be right all the time often repels friends and associates. Nobody will ever feel empathy for you, love you, or enjoy b eing close to you simply because you are right or because you hardly ever make mistakes. Its true that people may admire your abilities or knowledge. Being competent, circumspect, and smart is a plus, but these qualities alone will never win you love. So try this next time you are asked a question and dont know the answer, say so. Just say, I dont know. Dont fudge dont reel off a dozen possibilities to avoid admitting ignorance dont offer something you do know but that doesnt answer the question. Just I dont know. Then keep track of how many friends you lose. See how much less loved you are. Note particularly how much less respect you get.Trust me on this one. Look,Im the guy who writes obnoxiously long blog posts where everything is rigorously backed by data. Im a member of your tribe. And one thing Ive learned first hand is that running around telling everyone theyre doing things wrongnyah-nyah-science-said-sostylemakes for good blog posts and difficult relatiznships.(Yes, there w as a spelling error in that last sentence. Im leaving it in. If the Earth melts, mea culpa.)So give the above a try. And do not try to execute all the stepsperfectly. You dont want to be the first person to die from irony. Be strategically half-assed about it.Being animperfectperfectionist makes life a lot more fun.Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared in 2014 onBarking up the Wrong Tree.